The Joke thread

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  1. waffler's Avatar
    Posts : 928
    Win7-Win10-9879-Linux
       #1

    The Joke thread


    Baby's First Doctor Visit






    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination.


    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.






    'Breast-fed, ' she replied..




    ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.




    She did.


    He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.




    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '






    I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma . . . but I'm glad I came.’
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  2. waffler's Avatar
    Posts : 928
    Win7-Win10-9879-Linux
    Thread Starter
       #2

    A man goes into Waterstone's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant.



    "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
    I can't remember the title.



    She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."



    The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."














    __._,_._



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  3. waffler's Avatar
    Posts : 928
    Win7-Win10-9879-Linux
    Thread Starter
       #3

    A Taliban terrorist, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
    Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
    The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
    The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.
    I spit on your ties. I need water!"
    "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."
    "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
    "Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant..
    It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
    Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
    Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..."
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  4. Posts : 399
    Windows 10 X64
       #4

    Inner Strength

    If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
    If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
    If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
    If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
    through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
    If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
    If you can conquer tension without medical help,
    If you can relax without liquor,
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
    If you can do all these things,





    Then you are probably the family dog.
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  5. labeeman's Avatar
    Posts : 21,256
    Mint 20.2
       #5

    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
    where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
    the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

    You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
    attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
    floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back
    down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
    have jobs.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
    kids.

    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love
    kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
    have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
    housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
    men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the
    housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
    sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
    There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
    that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
    Husband Store.

    NEW WIVES STORE

    A new wives store opened across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
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  6. rvbfan's Avatar
    Posts : 8,578
    Windows 10 Home x64 Windows 10 Prox64
       #6

    Good one! I love it.

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  7. Borg 386's Avatar
    Posts : 30,380
    Win 7 32, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1 64 Pro, Win 10 64 Education Edition
       #7

    A baby seal walks into a bar.

    The bartender says "What'll ya have pal?"

    The baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club."
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  8. BunnyJ's Avatar
    Posts : 22,736
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #8

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
    ....
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  9. badrobot's Avatar
    Posts : 5,270
    Win 10 Pro x64
       #9

    This is not a joke but all the bragging makes me laugh...

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  10. Arelem's Avatar
    Posts : 1,099
    Windows 10 Pro
       #10

    The funeral proceeds down the street,
    As sighs and wails diminish.
    He died of drinking straight shellac,
    But he had a lovely finish.
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