Joke Thread

At the checkout in the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household rubbish bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) were not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go round the corner.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 240 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Yorkshire. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the tramcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't give change without the cash register telling them how much.

I bought a dog from the local blacksmith, within a hour of taking him home he made a bolt for the door.

The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how...I didn't even know it was her birthday!

After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.


The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.

Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!” Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he's worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money.

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on a pair of women’s lace knickers. 1st guy: "Since when do you wear women's underwear?" 2nd guy: "Since the missus found ‘em in the glove box."

My missus left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while the poor bugger's going through all that, I'll be down at the pub with my mates every night!

My missus left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to live with my mum." I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she on about?"

My missus said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day, for no reason.

Joke thread, huh?

OK, I'll bite. Let's try some puns...

1) Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
2) Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.
3) Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house.

John Travolta tested negative for corona virus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “ That's the last thing I'll need."

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.

What did Cinderella say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

A girl said she recognized me from her vegan club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

My best mate dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive,"

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colours she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream colour."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose colour. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the colour I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "sorry about that but I have the strikers from Liverpool laying turf across the street."