Joke Thread

What are 1000 blondes with brooms doing in the dessert? Trying to wipe it clean of "dust" course!

spapakons said:

What are 1000 blondes with brooms doing in the dessert? Trying to wipe it clean of "dust" course!

On the first part of the journey
I was looking at all the life
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings


I can attest to this. Been there!

Do they have to be clean?

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my wife in a blouse. The stockings were hung from our ghetto ass chimney with care, in hopes that broke ass Saint Nick would soon be there. My wife in a thong now and me with, well nothing. Had just settled down for a long nights f-ing. When all of a sudden there rose such a clatter! I jumped up and yelled, "WTF's the matter!!!" I ran to the window and what did appear, but a prostitute and a fat keg of beer. I slid down the roof top, staggered and said, "come in, give me some head." We done so until my wife came down with cleaver. I quickly dunked as it flew past our Christmas tree and I pushed her fat ass in our ghetto ass chimney. All of a sudden me and the prostitute heard a giant roar. And down he came, squashing my wife to nothing more. Me and the prostitute celebrated through the night. With ol' Saint Nick and a beer of delight. Then he said, "well F22 Simpilot, I must go, but next time shovel that damn snow!" As he winked an eye and blew out a fart, he flew up the chimney like a big fat dart.

THE END.

The Dangers of Drinking and Driving

I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.

Marie SWE said:

Drinking and driving is as stupid as loading your gun with the safety off while you aim it to your family's head... If you lucky you dont slip and they die.
or is like playing russian roulette.. Its only a chance of 1 of 6 it can go bad. so why not..

Sorry for the rant, I'm just really against drinking and driving as its not your own live that is at stake.. its others.. It is one thing to take your own life, but killing some one that want to keep on living is really selfish, stupid and it is illegal to kill others.

I'm of the same opinion, Marie. I can't STAND people who pull a massive low IQ, knuckle dragging chimp and think they can drive a, what? 2,000 pound (900 KG) metal beast called a car.

While I was a sophomore (9th grade) in high school my parents and I were in a very bad car accident of no fault of our own. We were driving 55 MPH (88 KPH) when dude who was drunk and high on drugs ran the stop sign and we T-boned him. In my head I thought we hit a brick wall because it was an instant stop. That fast. We were in a station wagon and the whole front end crumpled. We were foolishly not wearing our seat belts. I was in the back and hit the back seat with my chest and bent the seat in a V formation. But I had no broken bones or whatever. Just an abrasion on my arm and a glass sliver in my earlobe due to the windows breaking. Parents were pretty messed up though. My mom was unconscious and I think temporally dead. She tells me she could see me run around the car which would have been impossible. My dad stuck his foot through the floor board of the car and literally warped the steering wheel from gripping it so hard.

As to the drunk, drugged out dude, he was completely fine (as they always are for some unbelievable reason). Fine enough to come up to our car that was now in the ditch along the side of the road and pour beer on us to make it look like we were the one's at fault. Low IQ chimp didn't know that they take blood at the hospital or right there at the scene from the ambulance (EMTs). So the police knew he was drunk and on drugs. Plus the running the stop sign.

So dude goes to prison and has been there many times before apparently. And since he had no car insurance he had to pay my parents restitution in dribs and drabs over the course of many years. We'd get a check like once every few months. It was pathetic.


And another quick off topic story if you will.

One of my idiot dad's so-called friends who's the chief of all idiots was a drunk and not only crashed her car but her rental car she had just got. She was living with us at the time and drinking Vodka behind our backs in her room. She even got struck by a car but just had minor wounds.

It really goes to show you that alcohol is not only a very powerful addictive substance (probably more so than cocaine or whatever) but makes you a dumb shit times 10,000.

I drink, but on occasion and not like I used to in my twenties. I never got all "drunk and stupid" back then either. And I was a happy, talkative drunk, too. LOL The Latin is 'in vino veritas.' In wine there is truth... LOL!


We now return you to our funny thread already in progress.

I've seen lots of animals here in America get drunk too. You generally find them at a bar... LOL!