Joke Thread

I wouldn't doubt it. It's not Biden, it's Congress... all 500+ members.

spapakons said:

General: Mr President, the Russians are making a rocket to go to the moon!
President of USA: Don't worry, let them do it.
General: Mr President, the Russians are already in moon's orbit.
President: Don't worry, let them do it.
General: Mr President the Russians have landed on the moon!
President: Don't worry, just ignore them.
General: Mr President, the Russians are painting the moon red!
President: Don't worry, let them finish the job and then send a spaceship to draw Coca Cola logo with white paint on the surface!

Funny thing is, this wasn't too far from reality. What is Moonvertising? (with pictures)

"I was feeling so awful yesterday that I tried to suicide by taking a thousand aspirins", said a man to his friend.
"What happened", asked his friend.
"After the second aspirin I felt better and stopped!", replied the man.

There was a lumberjack using an axe to cut trees. His personal record was 6 trees a day. While watching his favorite soap opera on TV, there is a commercial of a guy cutting 100 trees a day with some weird tool. "Wow, If I had one of those I would be doing a great job", he thought. Next day he goes in the store and buys one. He uses it and cuts only 8 trees. "What the heck? I cut only 8 trees, I must try harder", he thought. Next day he tries a little harder and cuts only 10 trees. "Oh come on! What's wrong here?", he asks to himself. Later in the evening he sees the commercial again and notices that the guy has large muscles. He work outs, does a lot of exercise and next day cut 25 trees. He returns the tool to the store and complains that he can barely cut 25 trees, how is it possible to cut 100 in one day. The concluded that the tool is faulty and demanded a replacement. "Did you use it properly?", asked the salesman. "What do you mean? I am a lumberjack, are you trying to teach me my job?", he replied. "Let me try", said the salesman and he pulled the startup cord, the chainsaw turned on and cut a tree in seconds! "What! Show me the trick with the cord again!", said the lumberjack!

spapakons said:

There was a lumberjack using an axe to cut trees. His personal record was 6 trees a day. While watching his favorite soap opera on TV, there is a commercial of a guy cutting 100 trees a day with some weird tool. "Wow, If I had one of those I would be doing a great job", he thought. Next day he goes in the store and buys one. He uses it and cuts only 8 trees. "What the heck? I cut only 8 trees, I must try harder", he thought. Next day he tries a little harder and cuts only 10 trees. "Oh come on! What's wrong here?", he asks to himself. Later in the evening he sees the commercial again and notices that the guy has large muscles. He work outs, does a lot of exercise and next day cut 25 trees. He returns the tool to the store and complains that he can barely cut 25 trees, how is it possible to cut 100 in one day. The concluded that the tool is faulty and demanded a replacement. "Did you use it properly?", asked the salesman. "What do you mean? I am a lumberjack, are you trying to teach me my job?", he replied. "Let me try", said the salesman and he pulled the startup cord, the chainsaw turned on and cut a tree in seconds! "What! Show me the trick with the cord again!", said the lumberjack!

LOL! Reminds me of a long Irish joke... Well, reminds ME anyway... I have a strange way of connecting memories.







Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

‘Damn, damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’

‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub