And yet the upgrade tool said I was good to go...Damn it Upgrade Tool, you had one job! :P

I'll give it another try with all the USB crap disconnected.

After all, it might be the SYBA USB audio...

I didn't think about disconnection peripherals. But I did think about disconnecting drives. Then realized I can't because parts of the User and OS are on other drives.

My Documents, My Videos, My...

OS: Windows 8.1*
*This is an upgrade of Windows 8, which was a fresh install after authenticating on a Windows 7 machine

So I finally figured enough time had gone by that the upgrade bugs had...